Pre-Nostalgia

Lately, I’ve been feeling a lot of pre-nostalgia—the bittersweet feeling of longing for the present moment as you’re living in it.

It’s the feeling I get when my housemates and I gather in our living room, laughing and talking late into the night. Recalling stories of shared experiences and reflecting on how much we’ve grown over the past few years, it creates this mutual feeling of genuine appreciation for one another. How did I get so lucky to live with some of my closest friends? I get to come home to them everyday, catch up while making breakfast, and create plans together for the next day as we get ready for bed—it all seems like a normal occurrence now, but I know how much I’ll miss it in the future when we’re living separately.

I also got this feeling when I was sitting on the rocks at Lake Anza with another group of friends, chatting about our lives post-grad and reminiscing about our spontaneous Yosemite trip that made us friends in the first place. I remember feeling so present in this moment, with all distractions fading away and simply feeling so much gratitude for their presence. We’ll look back at this a few years from now as we’re working in separate cities, when our weekly hangouts have turned into yearly reunions.

These people and moments taught me what it means to live and be truly present.

I think this accurately captures how I view college and the role it plays in my life. Rather than simply being a step in my academic/professional career, college is for the experience of being a college student and sharing this with my closest people. It’s a time when you can call up a friend to grab a meal or just hang out in a few moments of spare time. It’s staying up late together to study for Berkeley’s notoriously difficult exams, then celebrating afterwards with dessert on Southside. It’s walking on campus and running into your friends by chance, catching up after having not seen each other in weeks. It’s the beauty of this mutual experience which I think is what college is really about.

I often hear two common views on college:

1. A stepping stone to career—college is the time to build up your resume as much as possible, look for the best internship, and sacrifice social experiences if it means that you’ll advance in your career.
2. A waste of time that’s a barrier to your success—college is simply seen as coursework that doesn’t align to the way you learn, so it’s useless and you’d be better off dropping out.

I don’t blame these views because I thought this way too for a while. During my sophomore year, I was so caught up in work and classes that I isolated myself, convinced that I should delay any kind of non-work-related activity until I felt more “secure”. I imagined this sense of security to come once I felt completely satisfied with my work—which never came as my desires and expectations kept rising.

But upon looking at things from a long-term perspective, I realized that these stressors were pretty insignificant and I was neglecting opportunities I genuinely cared about. These internships and research opportunities that seem so critical will not define my entire career, and stressing out over them will not make much of a significant difference. But these opportunities to spend time with the people I care deeply about and make meaningful memories, I only get in these 4 years of my life.

However, it’s important to recognize that these realizations do not mean spending the entirety of college only having fun and not doing any work. It’s more of a lesson about balance and priorities—that when I work, I give it my full focus and let go of the stress so I can be fully present when I’m with friends.

I’ve finally internalized what people mean when they say that college was the “best 4 years of their lives” and that they’d “do anything to go back”. Unfortunately, these realizations are often made only after this time has passed. It’s taught me to make the most out of the present and recognize its value so I don’t have these regrets later on.